I need a place where I can just... think. Sometimes I need to express excitement, sometimes I need to bitch, sometimes... I just need to get my thoughts out, because they get so big and complex, I end up feeling frazzled and overwhelmed.
I've had a lot of ups and a lot of downs in my 23 years. I can honestly say that, over all, I have a beautiful life full of amazing things and great opportunities. But I've also had times in my life where I find myself questioning how I got into such an awful situation, and wonder- how in the hell will I make it out of this?
I've been battling an eating disorder for the past 9 years of my life; that's more than a third.
And technically, I could even say I've been struggling with an eating disorder for most of my life. As a young child, I overate, didn't exercise, and was thus overweight; yet the feelings, the condescending voices that would one day take total control of my life, began whispering to me when I was only 4 years old. I remember, vividly, when it all started: my preschool graduation. It was held at a Mexican restaurant. I remember going to the bathroom. I was wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt under a pair of overalls, and I remember having a horrible time trying to button the overalls; I was too chubby for them. I realized it then- I was fat.
What happened after this, the years following my preschool graduation, is somewhat of a mystery to me. I was a happy child, my parents were wonderful, but yet there were problems. I was painfully shy, extremely perfectionistic, and had high anxiety... all while struggling with the voice telling me I was fat- because I was a very hefty child. Did I continue overeating and hating exercise to cope with the anxiety and shyness? Or was I shy and anxious because I was overweight, and perfectionistic because I felt I somehow had to compensate for my physical flaws? I still don't know.
What I do know is that things took a 180 degree turn-around once I was in high school.
My doctor has determined I was obese before I was even 14 years old, and entering high school pulled the trigger in my head that I'd had my finger on since I was a little girl. It started by eating less and healthier; over exercising and purging followed not long after. No matter how much weight I lost, I still saw an obese girl reflected back at me whenever I looked in the mirror.
This eating disorder has felt, at times, like it is on the brink of totally destroying my life... yet somehow, I always get out of it. I always prove to myself that I can be so much stronger than I give myself credit for. The eating disorder has brought me extremely close to "zero," but there has always been a limit.
And that's where I'm at right now in my life; I approach that line, but I will never give up... I don't want this to ruin me. I have too much to live for, and I love too much, to let my life be dictated by this. That's my limit- I know there's life beyond this.
So here will be my space to express myself, as I continue this battle for control.
