Socially Challenged

The older I get, the more I realize just how awful my social skills are. To be fair... they have always been bad. They've changed, but not really gotten better.

I was so painfully shy as a child, peers and adults alike. As a teenager, the little faith I had in my peers was gone; by my senior year in high school, I was spending my lunch hour alone in the corner of the library. As an adult... I find myself a controversy.

I probably seem decent to most people on the surface; a little timid, kind of quiet, fickle.... but friendly. I feel indifferent to meeting new people; it depends on the setting and the people themselves. If I like a person and I feel comfortable enough around them, I start to feel like I'm becoming friends with them; and then I kind of don't know where to go from here. I usually just make casual friends- friends that I can chat with at school... but not ones that I can talk to when I'm stressed/sad/excited, or hang out with, ect. Part of this is due to me not wanting to take the friendship further because I'm afraid to trust people. The other part is that I'm afraid that the more a person gets to know me, the less they'll like me. That all they will see is the anxiety, the trainwreck, the girl with irrational fears, the girl who has random panic attacks, the girl who bursts into tears because she spilled a cup of coffee... the freak.

Mike and my parents are really my only three regular contacts. I don't think they realize just how hard of a time I have sometimes; while I enjoy alone time, sometimes, I feel like I just don't interact enough with people... especially with Mike working full time and usually being busy during the evenings (Over the past 17 days... we've had 4 evenings to ourselves- Friday night, of which, Mike fell asleep before 8). That's a LOT of alone time for me. Twice, I burst into tears after hanging up the phone with my mom, because I was sad that she couldn't talk to me anymore and it'd be hours before Mike got home. I've made a pretty good friend at school, who I sometimes call or text, but considering he's a guy I feel slightly guilty (though he feels like a little brother to me- and Mike and I have already talked about him, Mike is just happy I have friends) and the fact that he's 6 years younger... that's not a bad thing at all, it's just, poor kid... is he ok with having an anxious girl in her mid 20s for a friend? Am I "cool" enough? (<-- lame thought). As crazy as all of these thoughts sound (or don't... I really am not sure), this is truly how I think. My mind goes a hundred miles an hour, jumping from one concern to the next.

What sucks is I feel like this makes me a total pessimist... when I don't want to be. I hate that I worry, I hate that my mind always thinks about the worst possible outcomes. And this is how I think when it comes to relationships/friendships... I worry too much about what people think of me (without asking them, of course), and I worry about whether I can trust them.

Another way this anxiety limits me :/

The positive note to this is... at least I'm starting to realize these things. Put them together. Because if I can identify my issues... hopefully I can work on them. But that's the hard part- I need a decent paying job to afford therapy so I CAN work on this stuff... and, although a large part of getting a job is out of my hands, I have been very hopeful lately; tomorrow I should hear on a job that I REALLY want, and so far, the possibility is looking promising. Maybe tomorrow evening I'll have something to celebrate :)

The Clouds I Can Handle, But I Can't Fight With an Eclipse

Laugh, go on.

It's one of my favorite Twilight Saga quotes (and I'm still angry for getting suckered into these books, thanks a lot Mom ;).

I don't know what made me think of it tonight, but I started to think about what it means. For me, it means something different than the context it's actually in.

I've been wading through the clouds, not really knowing who I am or what I want to do. For the past few years I've been complaining that 18 is way too young of an age to decide what you want to do. Oh sure, some people are destined to be doctors or lawyers and whatnot; they're able to dive head first into their adult lives, into their college careers and then forward. I wasn't; I went in totally confused and uncertain of the future. It looked bright, considering I'd done so well in high school; I thought that at least I'd be successful in whatever I decided to do within a few years. I thought about my 10 year reunion, which seemed so far off (only 3 years away now...) and pictured myself confident and happy, possibly married, doing something I could be proud of. I had my dad somewhat urging me to go the engineering route; I had my mom urging me to consider doing what I love, and majoring in art. Thinking I'd have no chance succeeding as an artist, I elected for engineering. Throughout the past seven years, the major has changed several times. In a very short time, I'll have a degree in a field I hardly knew what it was when I first went into it. I have learned to enjoy this, but I'm not sure what I want to do with it.

My love of art has never gone away. My mom and some of the teachers at her school have begun commissioning me to do art work for their classrooms. I never could have imagined something so amazing happening! It's a small start, true, but it's also something I didn't think would ever happen. I also have an upcoming job interview that I am extremely thrilled to have; I hope I get it, because it will combine my love of art AND my degree.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, my "eclipse" is finally coming to terms with the fact that it's okay to do what I love, and maybe it's truly what I'm meant to do. I've fought it, due to lack of confidence and little belief that it could earn me any income. I've been in the clouds (sometimes my head is STILL there) trying to figure out who I am and what I'm suppose to do... and now I'm realizing that it's what I love. Even if it's only on the side, for now :)

She Deserves Her Own Post

I can't believe I forgot to introduce the newest member of our little family, Luna Artemis Vunovich. She was born October 6, 2010; on December 23, she was adopted by ME as a Christmas present to Mike. It was completely on a whim.

We had talked about adopting another cat off and on ever since we moved in together, since we were concerned about Emerson not having someone to keep her company while we're gone, and Mike had to leave Jade with his parents (or moreso, his mom wouldn't give Jade up ;). Two days before Christmas, my mom, brother Mickali, grandma, aunts, and cousins went to see Black Swan. Because my mom has some weird obsession with buying tickets plenty in advance (what if it sells out?!) we had time to kill before the movie started. Mickali suggested we walk over to Petsmart and see if some adorable little kitten he and my mom saw the previous day was still there. When we got there, Mick rushed down to the cage she had been in, only to find that she wasn't there. Disappointed, we turned to leave, when my mom spotted her in a cage near the door. So cute! My mom really wanted Mick to adopt her, but pet rent at his apartment complex is outrageous. We asked to hold her, and as I was holding her, I joked, "Maybe I should adopt her, since I don't have a Christmas present for Mike!" My mom looked her, then looked at the salesperson, and said, "We'll take her!" So suddenly, we became a 2 kitty girl family!

Anyone who thinks cats are boring or all the same has obviously not met our kitty girls. I can't believe how cute they are with their little personalities. Em is a sweet girl, not shy but not real outgoing, pretty quiet for the most part, mellow, and slightly arrogant (she knows just how cute she is). Luna is probably the most friendly cat I've ever met, and I'm not just saying that because she's ours; she is seriously just so friendly to everyone. She's not shy at all; she will hop onto anyone's lap without hesitation, whether its us or someone she's just met for the first time. She is also extremely ornery- moreso than I ever remember Em being. I don't remember Em having a biting problem, but Luna sure has one. She's slowly getting better (with much thanks to our spray bottle investment!).

I have to say, my kitty girls make a big difference. They may not talk... or even understand what I tell them (wait... did I just say that? Of course they understand!), but they do listen. They make me feel loved. When I'm feeling lonely, forgotten, invisible... there they are, waiting to listen, waiting to hear me cry, bitch, laugh, and fume. And when I'm done, they love me just as much as before. They don't judge me or think I'm crazy. I love our girls; I don't know where I'd be without them.

Oh Em Gee

What the hell? I added the bottom paragraph to my "Surreal" post (which I had written over a week ago), posted it, read over my post... and realized that I've left out SO much. >:/ I WILL write later...

Surreal

I wish I were better at updating my blog :( It's not that I forget that I have one... I actually think about it pretty darn often. It's just... over the past few months, I don't feel like I've had anything great to report. My blog isn't sunshine, as I have used it to complain and speculate, and it's been a good thing... but my life isn't totally miserable, so I don't want it to seem that way, either.

The past few months have been... difficult. Not so much because of the alcohol- in fact, for the most part, staying away from alcohol is cake. I'm not at the point where I can go to bars very often (which is often where Mike plays), but other than an occasional crave for a good margarita or a rum & coke, I've had a surprisingly easy time for the past couple of months. This further confirms my theory: that I'm not a true alcoholic, but the alcohol abuse was merely a symptom of the true problem, which is my anxiety disorder. Which, my anxiety disorder is part of what makes things so difficult. Add the fact that I have not been able to find a job (which is changing here soon, hopefully!)... I haven't been able to afford regular therapy. It has also meant a lot of stressing over finances :(

Essentially, I feel like I have been in a very sensitive spot- I'm not doing horrible, my life itself isn't miserable... but I constantly feel vulnerable and afraid, and rarely feel relaxed. I'm always worrying, usually about money and the future, but often little things too. Some days I am super emotional, where minor issues can leave me in tears or fuming. Most public places are pretty hard for me to go to alone; many days I get nervous just going to school. I worry constantly about what other people (those in my life, not strangers) think of me- I wonder if they see the trainwreck I sometimes feel like. I have panic attacks fairly regularly; usually, they aren't too extreme (not as extreme as some I've had), but no matter how many I have, and despite the fact that I have gotten better at slowing them down after they've started, I don't think I'll ever be totally use to them.

On the flip side... I love living with Mike. It seems like I just keep falling more and more in love with him! I don't know how that's possible, but it happens :) I am so, SO blessed to have him in my life and to be loved by him. Now that I am out of my parents' house, my relationship with them has improved greatly! It wasn't ever bad, but during the past few months leading up to Mike and I moving in together, things were a little rough; it was understandable though. Their house just wasn't big enough for 3 adults (which we were on opposite schedules- they are early birds, I'm a night owl), 2 dogs and a cat. My relationship has also improved with my little "sisters"... my parents two dogs. I love them, but they drove me insane while I was living there... I like dogs, but wouldn't consider myself a "dog person."

I'm graduating from college in a few weeks. Well... kind of. I have 1 credit to complete over the summer, but since everyone, regardless of the ceremony or official graduation time, gets their diploma at the end of the summer anyways... I'm pretty much graduating. I'm not doing the ceremony thing; my high school one was bad enough, and I'm so over it :/ While I just want to be done... it seems surreal. How am I suppose to feel, when I've essentially been in school for 5/6 of my life... the 5/6 of my life that I remember the most of! It doesn't seem real. I will actually, officially be a college graduate.

I've been looking forward to this since I started college... it's been a crazy 7 years.

What happens next?

Holiday Blues + Update

Ughhh I don't know what to make of the holidays- every year I swing back and forth between spirit and the blues. In truth, I love the idea of the holidays- but I can't STAND all of the drama that comes along with them... which it does every year. Right now I'm the blues mode. I'm alone at home, no one asked me to join them in holiday festivities today, despite the fact that I know people are shopping, baking, spending time with relatives, ect. To top it off, I just found out that my Aunt Veronica, who lives in Idaho and I only get to see every 1.5-2 years, flew in last night. I had no idea she was coming. Ignored and left out of the loop, as usual. I'm in a "poor-me" mindset right now and I know it... doesn't make me feel much better admitting it either... but hopefully, it'll fizzle out soon enough like it usually does :/

I can't believe it's been more than a month since I've updated. Where did time go exactly? And how is this year almost over? Truth be told, I'm kind of ready for a new year... for a new start and chance. I feel like I really blew this year :( Mike and I made it our goal for 2010 to be "Our Year," and while Mike lived up to the expectation, graduated, got a job, ect. I did not. Oh sure, we found a house and moved in together and that has been a success, but that's really the only end of the deal I've held up :/ I did not graduate, I got a good job and lost it 5 months later, had to drop out of school... and embarrassed/shamed myself by proving to everyone that I can't be responsible with alcohol. Lovely. I understand everyone makes mistakes and stuff, and yeah I'm willing to admit that I made a huge mistake and now I'm working at digging myself out of this hole, but for some reason I think I'll feel a bit better getting to start a new year. This year was the year that wasn't, and it should have been. Maybe I can make it up in 2011?

So on Monday is my 30 days sobriety. Woo-hoo. I'll get a sobriety chip at the meeting.

I guess there isn't much else to say right now. I need to take pictures of our house to post, especially since it's decked out for Christmas :) Emma loves the Christmas tree, and even moreso, the presents. She's ripped the bows off of several of them :/

Okay, well, I'll post again when I'm in a slightly better mood and don't complain the whole post ;)

Yup, Sure Did

I was right- about the rock bottom thing...

Damn it.

Actually, though, I feel so much better now. Because I am going to get things under control- and I have a lot of support to do it now. My parents, Mike, our friends, everyone at AA...

I really am going to fix this.

It no longer seems impossible; in fact, I know it's possible. It's going to be extremely tough- I shudder even thinking about it. But it will be worth it. I may have bad anxiety and seem sensitive on the surface, but underneath I have diamond strength. I've made it this far in life- a feat in itself. I'm suppose to be here- I have a purpose: it's to live. I haven't been living, I've been surviving. I wasn't put here to just survive- it's an insult to my parents, the Force, and myself. (The Force is my "god"... um, more about that later). I feel like I have been stumbling around blind, and now I can finally see. Is this my burning bush moment? I don't really know. I just feel so relieved... like I can breathe now. Like I can be happy. Like... I can be me. And I don't have to be afraid. Wow.

Hearing people at their most raw level does something to you. It's really opened my eyes. I know I'm not the only one, but I have felt so alone that it was hard to believe there are others who know how it feels. It fucking sucks in every way possible- it's pure insanity. Hell on Earth, except it's dark. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in hell; even better to know that I can get the fuck out of there too, with some hard work, dedication, and faith. Oh, and of course support. A lot of support. Some things are too hard to do alone, and aren't meant to be done solo. This is one of those things.

Gosh, I didn't know hitting rock bottom would make me feel better. In every way possible, it has. I don't have to lie, hide, and feel like a lousy piece of shit anymore. I'm not saying I won't slip up, but the worst is over. The storm has passed; it left me cold and wet, but the sun's on me now.

Well, I need to settle in now... it has been one hell of a day, and I'm exhausted. Plus, I gotta get ready to face the world tomorrow :)