Holiday Blues + Update

Ughhh I don't know what to make of the holidays- every year I swing back and forth between spirit and the blues. In truth, I love the idea of the holidays- but I can't STAND all of the drama that comes along with them... which it does every year. Right now I'm the blues mode. I'm alone at home, no one asked me to join them in holiday festivities today, despite the fact that I know people are shopping, baking, spending time with relatives, ect. To top it off, I just found out that my Aunt Veronica, who lives in Idaho and I only get to see every 1.5-2 years, flew in last night. I had no idea she was coming. Ignored and left out of the loop, as usual. I'm in a "poor-me" mindset right now and I know it... doesn't make me feel much better admitting it either... but hopefully, it'll fizzle out soon enough like it usually does :/

I can't believe it's been more than a month since I've updated. Where did time go exactly? And how is this year almost over? Truth be told, I'm kind of ready for a new year... for a new start and chance. I feel like I really blew this year :( Mike and I made it our goal for 2010 to be "Our Year," and while Mike lived up to the expectation, graduated, got a job, ect. I did not. Oh sure, we found a house and moved in together and that has been a success, but that's really the only end of the deal I've held up :/ I did not graduate, I got a good job and lost it 5 months later, had to drop out of school... and embarrassed/shamed myself by proving to everyone that I can't be responsible with alcohol. Lovely. I understand everyone makes mistakes and stuff, and yeah I'm willing to admit that I made a huge mistake and now I'm working at digging myself out of this hole, but for some reason I think I'll feel a bit better getting to start a new year. This year was the year that wasn't, and it should have been. Maybe I can make it up in 2011?

So on Monday is my 30 days sobriety. Woo-hoo. I'll get a sobriety chip at the meeting.

I guess there isn't much else to say right now. I need to take pictures of our house to post, especially since it's decked out for Christmas :) Emma loves the Christmas tree, and even moreso, the presents. She's ripped the bows off of several of them :/

Okay, well, I'll post again when I'm in a slightly better mood and don't complain the whole post ;)

Yup, Sure Did

I was right- about the rock bottom thing...

Damn it.

Actually, though, I feel so much better now. Because I am going to get things under control- and I have a lot of support to do it now. My parents, Mike, our friends, everyone at AA...

I really am going to fix this.

It no longer seems impossible; in fact, I know it's possible. It's going to be extremely tough- I shudder even thinking about it. But it will be worth it. I may have bad anxiety and seem sensitive on the surface, but underneath I have diamond strength. I've made it this far in life- a feat in itself. I'm suppose to be here- I have a purpose: it's to live. I haven't been living, I've been surviving. I wasn't put here to just survive- it's an insult to my parents, the Force, and myself. (The Force is my "god"... um, more about that later). I feel like I have been stumbling around blind, and now I can finally see. Is this my burning bush moment? I don't really know. I just feel so relieved... like I can breathe now. Like I can be happy. Like... I can be me. And I don't have to be afraid. Wow.

Hearing people at their most raw level does something to you. It's really opened my eyes. I know I'm not the only one, but I have felt so alone that it was hard to believe there are others who know how it feels. It fucking sucks in every way possible- it's pure insanity. Hell on Earth, except it's dark. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in hell; even better to know that I can get the fuck out of there too, with some hard work, dedication, and faith. Oh, and of course support. A lot of support. Some things are too hard to do alone, and aren't meant to be done solo. This is one of those things.

Gosh, I didn't know hitting rock bottom would make me feel better. In every way possible, it has. I don't have to lie, hide, and feel like a lousy piece of shit anymore. I'm not saying I won't slip up, but the worst is over. The storm has passed; it left me cold and wet, but the sun's on me now.

Well, I need to settle in now... it has been one hell of a day, and I'm exhausted. Plus, I gotta get ready to face the world tomorrow :)

Ouch.

I think I just hit rock bottom.

It

HURTS.

A lot.

Into the Abyss

Plunged into water

Pulled down into the depths

Green becomes black

and I

can't catch my breath

There is nothing but pressure

No air

No light

I am being sucked

Into the Abyss

Um, wow. It's not great, but I just accidentally wrote a poem- I was trying to express how I feel right now.

No job. Failing school. Lying. Useless. Pathetic. Undeserving.

What do I do?

Mike is so amazing, so wonderful, so beautiful and talented and funny and sweet... he has such a big heart. When I am alone, particularly, when I am alone without him, I sink into the abyss. The panic starts in my chest... my two hearts. I can't breath. I clutch my chest. I can't feel my legs. I don't want to be aware. I let the numbness overtake me. I don't want to fight it, because I don't have the strength to fight it.

...what IS it?

I don't know! I don't KNOW.

My only conclusion is fear... because that's what I feel. Fear. And I become numb so I don't have to feel it. I become numb, whether purely organic (within myself) or assisted... and I hate it. People are suppose to have emotions. Normal people deal with the emotions they have. I don't. I become numb. I get pulled into the abyss, and I don't emerge until forced, or until it seems "safe"...

...which my definition of safe is probably far, far off.

Paralyzed...

...by fear.

By constant, never-ending, suffocating fear.

Fear of what exactly? Sometimes it's so overwhelming, I can't pinpoint anything other than fear. When I start to think about it, I realize it's fear of everything, rational and irrational. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of being a disappointment. Fear of losing control. Fear of not being pretty, thin, smart, talented, funny, interesting, or good enough. Fear of not being enough. Fear of any danger, physical or emotional, of any pain, to the ones I love. Fear of people and crowds; fear of being alone. Fear of becoming too attached; fear of losing those I've become too attached to. Fear of abandonment. Fear that there will never be anything more than fear.

I look at this list, and think about how crazy it must sound to an outsider. To a normal person, who doesn't live, who hasn't lived, a life of crushing anxiety. I know it has to look insane; it looks insane even to me trying to look at it from that perspective. And it doesn't matter. See it as though I might, it doesn't make me think, "You're being ridiculous, man up and deal with this shit."

When I absolutely do not have a choice but to face fear or a far worse consequence, I become so numb that things don't seem real. I drift about in a dream like state, not really absorbing anything to its fullest degree. This often happens at work, as it did the other day; I arrived plenty early, which was good. It took every ounce of courage to force myself out of the car. I probably sat in it for a good 5-10 minutes, paralyzed. Once the fear peaked, I was left unfeeling. I dared to go check the clock, thinking I must still have at least another hour until my shift was over... to find I'd actually worked an hour overtime.

I don't want to be like this. But how do I get out of it? How do I try to stop these fears? Why has my world continued to shrink and shrink, to the point where I often feel like I'm not truly here, just watching life go on around me, an ice statue?

How did I let myself get this bad?

Baby Steps in the Right Direction

It all starts with putting one foot forward. No matter how hard. No matter how much you want to turn around, and run, screaming, in the opposite direction.

Yesterday (Sunday) my mom called, telling me to come to their house so my dad could change the oil in my car. I felt overwhelmed with panic and anxiety immediately; I know my car needed this tune up, but for some reason, I was both terrified to visit my parents and terrified to leave Mike. The night before, he promised me that we'd spend the whole day together, not leaving one another. Yet first thing in the morning (well, 11 o'clock since we were up so late) I have to leave him. I didn't want to, every part of me was screaming in protest... but I did it.

And it was okay. It was more than okay, it was enjoyable.

At first I felt dizzy and panicked, and wanted to reach for my bottle of valium, but I somehow manage to rationalize and tell myself that if I could breath, if I could understand that things were okay, I could control myself and didn't need the medication; that is only for emergencies. It worked! I was even able to discuss my ER bills with my parents- most of what I'd been dreading- only to find out that not only do the not expect me to pay for all of it, but the bills together came to a mere $700! I mean, I don't have a spare 700 laying around, but I was anticipating them to be in the thousands; 700 is manageable, and that is a relief.

I controlled the drinking last night; I poured myself an allotted, reasonable amount, and then had Mike hide the bottle from me. Accomplishment #2.

This morning, instead of dashing to the kitchen to c/s or b/p or drink, or reaching for the pipe or painkillers, I got up and headed to the kitchen. While my cup of coffee was brewing, I got the sink full of hot water and dish soap, gathered all of the dirty dishes and put them in the hot bubble water, gathered all of the trash together, then grabbed my coffee and a yogurt and headed into the living room to play some video games while the dirty dishes soaked and the scorching water cooled. Oh, and before heading to the living room, I took a multivitamin, baby asprin, and Omega 3 fish oil pill. Good girl.

At intervals, I'd stop to give Emma, my cat, attention. Played til my yogurt and coffee were gone and was too frustrated to continue. Went to the bedroom, made the bed. Went to the kitchen, did the dishes. Grabbed the yucky bathroom trash can, filled it with hot bubble water, and cleaned the counter tops while it soaked. Scrubbed out the trash can, dried it off, returned it to the bathroom with a trash bag in it. Contemplated sweeping and mopping, decided I wouldn't have the time and would wait til tonight. Quickly gave my macbook a lysol-wipe bath and packed it. Got ready; brushed my teeth, washed my face, picked out my usual frumpy outfit of a too-large tshirt and yoga pants... decided to take a risk and wear a different tshirt, a sky blue one with bird silhouettes... so I could wear the adorable, rhinestone adorned baseball hat my dad brought back to me from NYC (the color of the shirt matches the hat). Put my make up on... and am satisfied with my appearance. Still hiding my body in loose clothing, but wearing my cute hat and brighter colors. I almost look cute... trying to not obsess over how large I seem to have become.

Made sure all the windows were closed, and other typical leaving the house stuff complete, grab my backpack, purse, phone, and keys, then head to school, but not before taking two valiums; it's pointless to not take them in this case, too many people, too much stimulation and no one safe to cling to = major anxiety. I stop at Loaf n Jug for a Vitamin Water Zero, and decide to take another risk and buy myself a Special K bar, which I ate on the rest of the way to school. So now I'm here, going back and forth between blogging and taking notes, sipping my vitamin water and anticipating the rest of my day: settling a traffic ticket, stopping somewhere to buy some more candles or scented oil plug-ins, perhaps go by Ross to buy a basket for our living room, where we can store the blankets that we like to cuddle under when we're chilling on the couch watching TV; going to see my psych at 3:45, being totally honest with him, coming home and sweep and mop, cook a great dinner for Mike, continue to tidy up the house (maybe have Mike vacuum while I run to King Soopers to pick up a new script), then perhaps encourage Mike to invite our friend Chad over for a game of poker; I'll exercise while they play, and then when Chad leaves, we'll take our nightly shower together, return to the couch nice and clean and relaxed from the hot water and clean smells, then play video games or watch TV until it's time for bed.

So I'm not sure that's how the day will go, but if it goes something like that, if I at least continue to take baby steps and not slip back... maybe tomorrow I can take a couple more, and a couple more the next day. I know there will be times when I stumble, or even step backwards... but as long as I keep going, maybe I can get to a good place. A place where I'm living, and not merely functioning at the low level I have been.

Four Months MIA and I'm back

Because I need to start getting through this shit.

The summer that should have been wasn't.

I thought starting a new job and moving in with Mike would make for an amazing summer. It didn't.

Don't get me wrong- moving in with Mike (the official date was August 10th) has been a dream come true. I love living with my best friend, my other half, my knight in shining armor. I love falling asleep next to him, I love waking up in the middle of the night and realizing he's there for me to cuddle with, and I that I can feel his warmth next to me before I open my eyes the next morning.

However, I thought my relationship with my parents would get better... but it hasn't. It hasn't necessarily gotten worse per say, but... I feel like they babied and over-protected me all of my life, then the day I move out, it's like, "see ya later, go be an adult now." I can understand their frustration with me, but this abrupt 180 has left me feeling abandoned. My mother, once so close to me, doesn't seem to have more than 5 minutes to spare with me... on the phone. On a Saturday.

Starting my new job nearly lead to a nervous breakdown and me quitting; how does someone with such severe panic anxiety work in retail?! However, my managers/coworkers have been understanding and try to mostly place me doing tasks instead of interacting with customers. Still, I get nervous. I'm terrified of people.

And let's take all of the medical problems. Since the beginning of August, I have had a kidney infection with sepsis, 3 urinary track infections, a cold, been stung by a yellowjacket, and somehow developed radial nerve palsy in my right (dominant!) arm... leaving me paralyzed/disabled. Oh yeah, did I mention all of this involved 2 emergency room visits, over 10 visits with my Dr. and a neurologist, and 8 medications? Yup.

The radial nerve damage will and is healing, and I should make a full recovery, but the disability and pain have made my life hell.

So, needless to say, my time MIA wasn't pleasant. And after all of that, I have shrunken my world to the point where I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to be around people. I have panic attacks on a regular basis. I can't sleep. Sometimes I become so paralyzed with anxiety I can't function. Sometimes I become so frustrated I cry until I can't anymore.

When Mike walks out the door to practice or poker night, I want to throw my arms around him and cry and beg him not to leave me. I want to, but I don't. He doesn't understand the overwhelming panic and fear I experience while he's gone. Part of me doesn't want him to; I want him to go, I want him to be happy and play music or poker without feeling guilty about me. So I don't beg him to stay... and I settle in for a night of personal horror. I'm willing to, for his happiness... but I shouldn't have to suffer while he's gone. So, after this past week, where I believe I experienced a 3 day nervous breakdown... I called my therapist for the first time in a long time.

We met today and discussed a lot of what I've talked about above. She believes I have agoraphobia, not just panic disorder. I've been dealing with it in a very dangerous way- drinking. I can't do that anymore, I'm terrified of what it will do to my body... it may kill me, and I know it. So I'm begging for her help, before it's too late, before I reach rehab or worse, the ER again. I see my psych on Monday, and we'll go from there.

She wanted me to think of a goal, something strong enough to help me (and her, and whoever can help) pull me out of this. I know what that goal is. I want to be a mom. Not just a mom to any baby, but I want to be a mom that is a mother to half me, half Mike. I know this is going to sound cheesy as ALL hell, and ask forgiveness ahead of time, but to anyone who has read the Twilight series (the movies don't count, they aren't as in-depth) I feel exactly the way about Mike as Bella does Edward. Me, nothing special, no specific/outstanding talents, shy, a loner, and lame... next to someone incredible, beautiful, unbelievable, talented in ways I couldn't dream of, awed by many.

All in all, I want my life to be what it should be right now- two young adults madly in love starting their lives together... minus all of the horrible issues the girl has.

Panicking More by the Day

So, Mike leaves. This Saturday. FOR OVER A WEEK.

I know we've gone longer than a 9 days apart- his 3 week stint in California, mine at the Mayo Clinic- and I know, should he make it "big" that he could be away from me for a lot longer sometime in the future. It doesn't make his looming absence seem any more bearable.

I have major separation anxiety.

I have major anxiety, period. But more than anything, I worry unnecessarily about the people I love- especially Mike. My mom swears I'm going to panic myself into a heart attack one day. I don't doubt her.

I'm terrified because Mike is touring with his ska band. They're driving to California and back, with several stops along the way. I trust Mike, of course. Other women are ZERO concern to me. And I trust him in every other way- to make good decisions in whatever situation. But he's traveling with 7 other people- 7 other people that I do like very much, but... well, this sounds bad, but can I trust them? Can I trust them to drive safe? Make smart decisions? And even beyond them... I start worrying about all of the other cars, people, situations they will encounter on their trip... and my anxiety starts to pull me under.

This is different from past separations, which were bad enough. When I was at the Mayo Clinic, I was the one away. I missed him like crazy and worried still, but I was too busy having tests run for half of the time, and totally out of it on various medications/recovering from surgery for the other half. When he was in Cali, recording some songs, the hardest part was when I knew he was traveling, only at the beginning and end of his 3 week absence. It's been 2 years since these trips... almost 3 since mine.

I don't even have the distraction of setting up, decorating and organizing our house. Yes, we are going to be moving in together :D We got to see the house on Saturday, and I like it very very much! But we can't move in for a few more weeks- the owners are still doing major cleaning out, plus replacing some things like light fixtures and the downstairs bathroom toilet. However, up until Saturday, I believed that we would get to move in sometime this week, maybe early next. I know Mike wouldn't be here, but his parents and mine and myself of course could start moving things in. We won't even need a moving van- both of our dads have huge trucks, and the house isn't far from either of our parents' homes. But I no longer have this distraction.

I will be stuck in this boring city, without school or work, or a house to decorate, to distract me. I'm really freaking out.

Whirl Wind Week

So... wow. A LOT has happened in the last week- and it's all pretty much been good stuff!!

It didn't exactly start out good, it's the results I suppose. Of course I was getting depressed and stressed- namely about work. Work was stressing me, my lack of hours, my low paychecks... setting off a chain reaction, thoughts of, I'm never gonna move out of my parents house, I'm never going to make enough money. ect.

But guess what?! Mike and I ARE getting a house together! Two days after my little meltdown, Mike called me, all excited, saying that he a found a house for us to rent for really cheap! I was skeptical at first- not about the house, but when Mike asked why I didn't sound excited, I said, "Mike, it's not that I'm not excited, you know I want to live with you more than anything... but babe, I'm relatively broke right now, you know that. It's not as if I can afford rent or anything just now..." And Mike, being the generous, kind-hearted gentleman I fell in love with, said, "Babe, it'll be my house, and you'll live there. I'll pay on it until you can help too," I still feel somewhat guilty about that, but I know he means it; and he knows, were the situation in reverse, I'd do the exact thing for him.

Anyways- about the house! It belongs to Mike's dad's coworker's mom- mouthful! To say the least, it belongs to an elderly lady. She is being moved into a nursing home due to Alzheimers, and her kids wanted to rent the home to someone they knew- and Mike's dad suggested Mike and I! He (Mike's dad) and his friend did a lot of work on the house just a couple of years ago and say it's in great condition. We get to go check out the house this Friday, once they've finished cleaning it out. Mike and I drove by it last Friday- it's a cute little house! It's four blocks from a hospital (perfect for accident magnet me) and a couple of streets from the Interstate, an easy and direct route to school for me :) The neighborhood isn't fancy, but it's cozy, safe, and full of charming little houses.

And for my other bit of really exciting news.... I GOT A NEW JOB!!!

Just yesterday, I was hired on the spot! And it's one of my dream jobs, as far as a still-in-school job. Joann's Crafts and Fabrics! Our mall is getting one, it's opening in July, and yesterday Joann's had an interview fair. I was one who did get hired!! I start in mid-June; we'll only be setting the store up at that point, because it won't open for another month. But I am so, so excited! I LOVE doing arts and crafts- heck, I just taught myself how to knit!

I am really excited about this job! It'll be right up my ally. The man who interviewed me is the store manager of the Joann's in Loveland. He was very, very nice, and had nothing but positive things to say about his job and the company he works for- I've never met a store manager so enthusiastic about their job. It made me feel good, and excited too :)

Things really are looking up :) I know I panic too soon sometimes, if I loose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel for even a little bit... but each time, I realize, that I can't lose myself. I can't be overwhelmed by fear or despair, because it's only temporary. And each time, I get a little bit stronger, a little more rational, and can say, "It seems rough right now, but it's not forever, and things will get better."

Something I'd Never Imagined...

You know how sometimes, life just seems REALLY shitty? Like life is moving forward, but you're not, because you're stuck? That's what things feel like right now. I am literally broke, not getting enough hours at work, am ALWAYS the first one sent home if we're slow (because I have way less experience than anyone else working there), I've been hosting recently, a measly $7.26 an hour (compare to a usual minimum of $15 an hour when I'm serving), and, to rub salt in the wounds, Mike's sister, THREE years younger than US, is moving out.

Monday was really bad. I was in a deep depression; it reminded me of the days before I met Mike, when I was all alone, up in Boulder. Those feelings are something I'd never wanted to experience again- and perhaps what I was feeling on Monday wasn't quite as severe, but the despair and hopelessness was there. It's literally like those commercials for depression medication, where the people say that it physically limits you, because it does. I was just obsessing, over and over, about how much of a loser I must be, to be less than 2 months away from my 24th birthday, broke, still in school, and living at home. By my age, my parents had been married for 2 years, were 7 months pregnant with me, and were driving a U-haul out to California.

It was to the point where I felt the urge to do that self-harm bullshit I did when I was a teenager. To anyone who has never done it- listen. I realize there are stupid kids who do it for attention or whatever, but true self-harmers do it because it's like any coping mechanism: it numbs the pain. When you have a burn or a cut stinging, it distracts you somewhat from the emotional pain. However, I am in better control now, I know it wouldn't do anything but leave a stupid scar and I'd regret it once it stopped hurting.

Mike invited me to go to band practice that evening. I thought I should go; I hadn't been to one in forever (thanks to school), and what was I going to do otherwise? Stay in my room, alone, and continue to feel like a worthless piece of shit?

I'm so glad I went- THAT was a healthy choice of a coping mechanism.

I have had friends, even really, really good friends, throughout my life, but none quite like "my boys," as I call them. I met Chad and Robbie the night I met Mike; I can't remember when I met Aaron. I love these men, and their girls (whom I have known less than any of the guys).

See, I have always been a shy loner. I rarely played with other kids in elementary school. I was never popular; well known (and gossiped about) in high school perhaps because I was crazy smart (straight A's) and went from obese to underweight in about a year. I had friends throughout middle and high school, but only one true friend that I really trusted (Shoshana, if you're reading this, thank you so much; you kept me sane). I was never in a group of friends. I went to only two school dances the entire 4 years of high school. I figured that even if I could potentially trust a group of people to be friends with, why on earth would they want to hang out with me? I was boring; I did homework, obsessed about my weight, and played video games. That's about all.

Now, I have the most amazing friends I could ever dream of having. Not just because they're cool and talented, not just because they have the same interests as Mike and I- but it's the way they make me feel about myself. When we got to practice, they started excitedly telling me about a new song they were working on, and asked for my opinion. Really? My opinion is valued? Something as simple as that made me feel SO GOOD. And I know that they're always there for me- just as I am for them!

So despite the depression and shitty day, I was reminded that I have something that no amount of money can buy: amazing friends.



Chad, Frankie, Robbie, Krystal, Aaron, Jenny... I love you guys :) Thank you for standing by me :)

Growing Up is Hard Tooooo Doooo

Haha, I was thinking of that song "Breaking Up is Hard To Do!"

I wonder, does everyone feel this way when they come to that point in their life when they realize that they are going to truly begin their independent, adult life? Am I just a fraidy cat? I mean, the fear is NOT holding me back, whatsoever, but I can't help but be... well... a little nervous? I just want to know that I can manage- I'm not expecting things to be perfect, I'm not expecting to NOT make mistakes, but I also want to be smart and make as many good decisions as possible- because I've made some pretty dumb decisions and mistakes in the past.

I think what has me most nervous is my one attempt at being that "independent adult." That was a string of bad decisions, one after another. Following my ex up to Boulder... and everything that happened while I was there. Spending money recklessly. Isolating myself. Pursuing the guy who, deep down, I knew didn't want me back, yet falling for him leading me on anyways. Working nearly full time (24-32 hours a week) on top of going to school full time. Eating disorder behaviors, severe. Landing in the ICU and nearly losing my life- TWICE.

I made some really bad mistakes, but I understand now that they happened for a reason. It was a learning experience, for one. Believe me, I learned a lot from that 5 month mess. Also- it brought me to Mike. Not only brought me to him, but, since I'd seen the opposite end of the spectrum in my ex (everything, minus abuse, opposite of what a wonderful boyfriend should be) I could appreciate Mike so much more.

And that's the other thing I have going for me- not only am I more mature, older, and have more experience now- but I have Mike too.

And that brings me to something else- where we stand. I realize that I compare my life WAY too much to others around me, but I've gotta write this out for myself, if anyone, to put things in perspective.

More and more, I've gotten frustrated and upset (and... jealous) when I hear that friends or family members are engaged- namely because every single couple has been together for a way less amount of time than Mike and I have. I've mentioned before, we're almost at our 4 year anniversary. In fact, we are exactly 2 months away from it. So, in my mind, when I hear about friends who are engaged, I'm happy for them but I'm also thinking Not fair! We've put so much more time and effort into our relationship, and we haven't even lived together yet!

I finally confronted Mike about it last week, because he knows it's been upsetting me... and what he told me made so much sense and made me respect him that much more. He said that it isn't that he doesn't want to marry me one day, not at all- it's that certain things need to happen before we get engaged. For one, living together first. I know that that is totally taboo for some people, but I really don't care- we both believe that we need to work out initial kinks of living together- because if we can't live with each other, we have no business getting married. The other is getting ourselves established- and he doesn't mean saving a ton of money or even being in a set career- just making sure that we're not two broke college students, making minimum wage, living at home, ect.

So, in other words- Mike has his feelings and urges better in check, and wants to be responsible ;)

Needless to say, this whole "growing up" thing has been a major topic of discussion between us, now that Mike has graduated- because it's time. It's just nerve wracking. By my age, my parents were married, 7 months pregnant with me, and driving a U-haul out to northern California! So I keep telling myself that I should be ready to do this, if my parents can do it with a baby on the way and very little help from their families, why can't I do it, with all of my benefits?

WAIT. I can do this! I know I can. I know WE can do this.

My jumbled mind compares, thinks of all of the things that could go wrong, thinks of mistakes in my past, is fearful of "what-ifs" and "can I handle it?" BUT- I look forward, and see that light at the end of this tunnel, so close... and I know, this time, it's within reach.

He Graduated!!

My darling is a college graduate! Wow! I guess that puts things into perspective when considering that we've been together nearly 4 years (we're 2 months and 2 days away from that anniversary!). It's so... surreal. In some ways, it feels like we just met, like he had just finished his freshman year in college and was complaining about having another 3-4 years to go... and yet, in others, it's like we've always been together. I suppose it's because, I just can't imagine life without him.

So, I have a funny story. Well, not funny- actually I'm still extremely frustrated- but it at least shows just how precious certain moments are.

I was one of the videographers/photographs for graduation this year. My authorization zone for the video camera was on a low balcony immediately to the left of the stage- perfect for filming the graduates as they exit the stage with their diplomas. The master level students were finishing up, and I noticed the video camera flashing a message; I only had five minutes left on that tape, so I had to go get another. Wanting to miss as little as possible, I ran up the stairs, down another flight into the corridor, and around to the back floor entrance where Char, the other (and better) videographer was to get more tape. As I'm running back down the corridor as fast as I can, I thought I heard Mike's name announced... but I thought to myself, no, no way, there's no way that can be him, they're graduating the school of business students now, not humanities and social sciences! I misheard the name. Yet when I got back to my spot, my parents were looking at me, and they said, "You just missed Mike graduate."

I freaked out! It took a bit to compose myself- the one person I wanted to see out of 700+ graduating, the 10 seconds I wanted to view with my own eyes out of a 2.5 hour ceremony, and I missed it. To make a long story shot: four business students were off screwing around when they should have been seated; when they did make their way to their seats, not knowing where they should sit, they sat in seats for humanities/social sciences... so, for the last four of the h/ss school graduates, there was no seats, so the usher sat them up front, with the school of business students! I'm pretty unhappy about it; I already started an email to the event coordinator. I know it won't get those 10 or 15 seconds back, but in the future, maybe someone else won't miss their loved one graduating because of people messing around and poor control.

However, the rest of the day was really fun! A huge group of us went out for a celebration lunch to one of (note- I say, *one* of) Mike's favorite pizza places. After that, we went back to his house for cake and coffee. Then he and I just relaxed, and watched his new TV! (I got him an eco-friendly, razor 1080p HD TV for his graduation present, and my parents got him an HD sound system).

Blue Moon!!

Mmm... pizza... with green chilis!

He had to have German chocolate ;)

The Grad and The Mamacitas!

After relaxing for awhile, we went over to our friend Aaron and Jenny's house, where they BBQ'd and ordered the Mayweather/Mosley boxing match. So, overall, it was an awesome day... and another step forward ;)

WHEW!

Sorry, I couldn't think of a better title- I just spent the better part of the last hour trying to find some flair for my blog- namely the music player. Oh well, tis there now.

Sooo... I'm trying not to go crazy. The end of the semester is always wild, but it's been even crazier this time around, for a combination of reasons- it's my last truly rough semester, it's Mike's last semester, I got sick, Mike competed in the poker tournament... end of the semester is always hard eating wise, due to the stress. I'm managing, but that's not to say it's easy either.

Monday night was Mike's senior bass recital- his final recital. He'd been working towards this for at least the past two months. It truly paid off. Just before the performance began, while I waited anxiously in my third row seat, I saw the light on my phone blinking; it was a bbm message from Mike. It said, "Although there are other people here tonight, I'm playing only for you." When I saw him walk onto the stage, and he began to play "Amazing Grace," tears filled my eyes and my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. I sat there in awe, stunned, breathless, and unable to take my eyes off of him, until I remember that I was the photographer for the event and suppose to be taking pictures.














I love this man so much. During the whole recital, I kept thinking how did I get so lucky?! Here is a man, who is not only adorably handsome, very witty and intelligent, sensitive, sweet, creative, funny, and lovable... but he is such a talented musician that he is practically a virtuoso?!

Whenever I get too stressed, whenever I feel the dark thoughts, whenever I don't feel like I deserve to eat... he is always what makes it better. Not just he himself- but the fact that he loves me back every bit as much as I love him. I don't see someone like him loving a person who isn't worth his time. His love reminds me that, yes, I may have issues, I may struggle, but these things don't make me any less of a person. He saw, from the very beginning, almost four years ago, the person, not the eating disorder. I'm only just realizing that now- he has always loved me for the person that I am, because there really is a person under the eating disorder- sometimes the eating disorder thoughts just blind me too much to see her.

Mike has helped me grow as a person in more ways than I feel I can thank him for- but I can always love him, unconditionally. And I do. I have struggled a lot over the past four years, but despite the struggles, I can for sure say they've been my happiest years. I've never connected to or loved someone the way I do Mike. He's my very best friend; without his love, I don't know if I would ever truly see the person underneath.


The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself.
-George Bernard Shaw

Simultaneously, a fun and pain-in-the-ass weekend.

So, right after I got off of work on Friday, Mike met me at my house, we loaded my shit up, and headed for Blackhawk. Blackhawk is a gambling town- it's quite funny. It's west of Denver, nestled in the mountains, about a 20-30 minute drive in, depending on conditions and traffic. It's funny because, right in the middle of these crazy, fairly high elevated mountains, there is a town FULL of huge casinos/hotels/resorts. And that's all. If you are under 21, there is literally nothing else to do. No stores. No restaurants (other than those in the casinos), no entertainment. Just casinos and hotels.

Mike was competing in the main event of the Heartland Poker Tour. He qualified last weekend, April 10, thru a $300 buy-in satellite tournament. Out of 92, only 18 made it... and Mike took out the last guy!! However, over 300 people entered Flight A (there are three flights to Day 2 of the Main Event), and Mike was out after just over 2 hours. It was really lame though- the tournament was suppose to start at 5:00, but so many people came to register at last minute (a $1650 buy in) that they delayed it until everyone was registered- 5:30. That's really messed up, and extremely unfair to those who were there on time. We might write a letter to complain. They should have started the late qualifiers as dead stacks >:/

We ate dinner at a steakhouse in Blackhawk (they had a soup and salad bar, yay!) and had wonderful wine, before heading to Mike's Uncle Todd's House. It was only a 20-25 minute drive from Blackhawk, and very comfortable! The next morning, Saturday, we went into Denver, downtown, to the Aveda Institute for haircuts. Aveda is awesome- they charge $15, and you get a head and shoulder massage, hair wash, hair cut, and style. After that (when it started RAINING!) we met my younger brother, Mickali, who lives in Denver, for lunch at Sam's No. 3. It's a diner that has a good deal of vegetarian options for me, thankfully. Then Mike and I headed home.

It was a rainy and foggy drive home! I was only at my house for maybe half an hour, until Mike picked me up again, and we went to our friends' Robbie and Krystal's house. Mike and his friends Chad (guitar/vocals), Aaron (guitar/vocals), and Robbie (drums) practice- their punk rock band is called The Bad Beat. We loaded the gear, and heard down to Independent Records, where they were to perform a show with several other bands. The first band was AMAZING- truly awesome. They are a folk/bluegrass band called The Haunted Windchimes. I was enchanted.




THEN- the Bad Beat played. These men are seriously amazing.

















So after the show, Mike and I went back to his house and hung out with his mom. I should mention... my eyes had been extremely itchy, watery, and I had had a runny nose all day- but I thought it was due to my contacts. Putting my glasses on didn't help. When I woke up the next morning, it was a lot worse. It suddenly hit me that it must be allergies... but I'd only had mild allergies once in my life, when I was living in Boulder. Anyways, Sunday was miserable. My mom and I got the grocery shopping done early, I took two Benadryls, we stopped and bought "Honey Moonshine" on the way home... and by the time we got home, I was feeling relief from the runny nose and itchy eyes, but extremely loopy and drowsy from the Benadryl. So... I had to take a nap. When I got up, I helped my mom make green chili, worked on some homework, ate dinner, cleaned the kitchen, worked out, showered, then Mike came over. He always makes things better, even pain in the ass allergies. We worked on homework and watched the season finale of Life. So I guess despite a crazy busy, allergy filled weekend, it ended on a good note- spent with my love ;)

More...

So earlier today, I wrote about how I haven't written and how I feel this is mine and my boyfriend's "year." Yet it's been 6 months since I started that blog, and this morning's post was only my 2nd. I messed up, but I want to stay on top of things.

The funny thing is, I clearly remember creating this blog and it's first entry, like it was yesterday. The thought "I should update my blog" has visited my mind multiple times. Yet time has flown so quickly, it doesn't feel like 6 months have passed. Mike and I were just talking about how it seemed like it was just the first day of the semester, going over a boring syllabus, longing for the last day of finals week... and yet we're two weeks away from that. Where did it all go?

I guess for me, all I can say is: FOCUS. Maybe my grades won't be the best, and heck, I know I've slipped up a lot in school and other areas of my life, but every time I've triumphed, every time I ate when I didn't want to, did something I needed to that I didn't want to, resisted the urge to over exercise and purge, has all been due to the fact that I saw the light, however small, at the end of the tunnel. It's getting bigger and brighter with each passing day.

This light is knowing that I will soon be an "adult." It feels so weird saying that- because of many reasons. I guess adult in my mind means being independent, making your own money and decisions, having the freedom (in general, not counting work) to do what you want when you want... I mean, I realize I have had many adult experiences, and in some ways, was much more mature than an adult by the time I was 18. In others, I'm still just learning and experimenting. Maybe adult isn't even the right word- it's more about becoming myself. School and living at home have been a double-edged sword; I am spoiled at home, and I am earning an education in school, but there's the downsides too. I have to commit not only so much time to school (a good majority of my time) but also a shitload of money. Then there's living with my parents. I love them, and they are wonderful people, but when you live in a tiny, 3 bedroom, 2 bath house and it's 3 adults... not easy. Especially when it's a parent-child situation. Especially when the parents are early birds, going to bed at 8:30 and waking up at 4:30, and the child is a night owl, going to bed at midnight and waking up at 7. Especially when your house is vintage, and the hardwood floors squeak with every step, and the interior walls are thin, and you have a little Chihuahua for a sister who barks at the squeaking floorboards... you catch my drift. Double-edged sword.

I feel school and living with my parents have limited me as much as they've helped/sustained me. I will always be grateful to both, but it's time to move forward. Well, it's getting close to that time.

I want to be able to get off of work, and not worry about having to sit in front of my computer because I have to. Sometimes school wears me out so much, I'll go on a 24-48 hour break from computers. I want to be able to hear the TV when I'm watching it at 10 o'clock at night. I want to be able to do things my way, without hearing, "why aren't you doing this?!" or "this is how you need to do it!" I know the rents mean well, but it gets old. It gets to the point where it's like, "Listen, I love you and appreciate you wanting to help, but let me do it my way first. If it doesn't work, at least I learned, and will admit that you were right."

So in some ways, I feel like a little bird, in her cage- protected and cared for, but never truly getting to spread her wings. I believe that 2010 is the year I finally will get to spread my wings. Mike will, too, and we'll fly side by side, soaring into a bright future.

UGH!

Not good! It's been almost 6 months to the day (well, it will be in 2 weeks) that I made this blog and posted my first entry... have I kept up with it? NO! Dangit.

But I'm going to try to now. I have 2 weeks of this semester left; then, hopefully, life will not be so hectic. Then, hopefully, life will truly start to look up.

Mike (my boyfriend) and I decided that 2010 is "our year." Maybe not even decided; that's not the right word. It's more like we felt that this is our year. Mike graduates in less than 3 weeks; I graduate in December. I think this is the year that things finally start to change- that our "adult" lives are truly set in motion. I'm nervous- because I tried the whole on-my-own adult thing once, before I met Mike; it was utter chaos. I landed in the ICU twice and almost reached "zero." My limit came so close.

So naturally, I am a bit nervous of what's to come, both due to my past experience and also because, well, this whole becoming an adult thing is usually scary for everyone, in some way or another. Yet I can't say I'm afraid- I won't be alone this time.

When we first began dating, and I confessed all of my issues to Mike, he told me, "You know, you drive your own car... but I'll be here for you in the passenger's seat, so your trip will never be lonely." I haven't forgotten that, and it's been almost four years. He's stayed by my side, and I've stayed by his. He's my best friend, the best I could have ever asked for. So I know that things will be okay.

This is our year to blossom- and we're going to do it, side by side :)