Panicking More by the Day

So, Mike leaves. This Saturday. FOR OVER A WEEK.

I know we've gone longer than a 9 days apart- his 3 week stint in California, mine at the Mayo Clinic- and I know, should he make it "big" that he could be away from me for a lot longer sometime in the future. It doesn't make his looming absence seem any more bearable.

I have major separation anxiety.

I have major anxiety, period. But more than anything, I worry unnecessarily about the people I love- especially Mike. My mom swears I'm going to panic myself into a heart attack one day. I don't doubt her.

I'm terrified because Mike is touring with his ska band. They're driving to California and back, with several stops along the way. I trust Mike, of course. Other women are ZERO concern to me. And I trust him in every other way- to make good decisions in whatever situation. But he's traveling with 7 other people- 7 other people that I do like very much, but... well, this sounds bad, but can I trust them? Can I trust them to drive safe? Make smart decisions? And even beyond them... I start worrying about all of the other cars, people, situations they will encounter on their trip... and my anxiety starts to pull me under.

This is different from past separations, which were bad enough. When I was at the Mayo Clinic, I was the one away. I missed him like crazy and worried still, but I was too busy having tests run for half of the time, and totally out of it on various medications/recovering from surgery for the other half. When he was in Cali, recording some songs, the hardest part was when I knew he was traveling, only at the beginning and end of his 3 week absence. It's been 2 years since these trips... almost 3 since mine.

I don't even have the distraction of setting up, decorating and organizing our house. Yes, we are going to be moving in together :D We got to see the house on Saturday, and I like it very very much! But we can't move in for a few more weeks- the owners are still doing major cleaning out, plus replacing some things like light fixtures and the downstairs bathroom toilet. However, up until Saturday, I believed that we would get to move in sometime this week, maybe early next. I know Mike wouldn't be here, but his parents and mine and myself of course could start moving things in. We won't even need a moving van- both of our dads have huge trucks, and the house isn't far from either of our parents' homes. But I no longer have this distraction.

I will be stuck in this boring city, without school or work, or a house to decorate, to distract me. I'm really freaking out.

Whirl Wind Week

So... wow. A LOT has happened in the last week- and it's all pretty much been good stuff!!

It didn't exactly start out good, it's the results I suppose. Of course I was getting depressed and stressed- namely about work. Work was stressing me, my lack of hours, my low paychecks... setting off a chain reaction, thoughts of, I'm never gonna move out of my parents house, I'm never going to make enough money. ect.

But guess what?! Mike and I ARE getting a house together! Two days after my little meltdown, Mike called me, all excited, saying that he a found a house for us to rent for really cheap! I was skeptical at first- not about the house, but when Mike asked why I didn't sound excited, I said, "Mike, it's not that I'm not excited, you know I want to live with you more than anything... but babe, I'm relatively broke right now, you know that. It's not as if I can afford rent or anything just now..." And Mike, being the generous, kind-hearted gentleman I fell in love with, said, "Babe, it'll be my house, and you'll live there. I'll pay on it until you can help too," I still feel somewhat guilty about that, but I know he means it; and he knows, were the situation in reverse, I'd do the exact thing for him.

Anyways- about the house! It belongs to Mike's dad's coworker's mom- mouthful! To say the least, it belongs to an elderly lady. She is being moved into a nursing home due to Alzheimers, and her kids wanted to rent the home to someone they knew- and Mike's dad suggested Mike and I! He (Mike's dad) and his friend did a lot of work on the house just a couple of years ago and say it's in great condition. We get to go check out the house this Friday, once they've finished cleaning it out. Mike and I drove by it last Friday- it's a cute little house! It's four blocks from a hospital (perfect for accident magnet me) and a couple of streets from the Interstate, an easy and direct route to school for me :) The neighborhood isn't fancy, but it's cozy, safe, and full of charming little houses.

And for my other bit of really exciting news.... I GOT A NEW JOB!!!

Just yesterday, I was hired on the spot! And it's one of my dream jobs, as far as a still-in-school job. Joann's Crafts and Fabrics! Our mall is getting one, it's opening in July, and yesterday Joann's had an interview fair. I was one who did get hired!! I start in mid-June; we'll only be setting the store up at that point, because it won't open for another month. But I am so, so excited! I LOVE doing arts and crafts- heck, I just taught myself how to knit!

I am really excited about this job! It'll be right up my ally. The man who interviewed me is the store manager of the Joann's in Loveland. He was very, very nice, and had nothing but positive things to say about his job and the company he works for- I've never met a store manager so enthusiastic about their job. It made me feel good, and excited too :)

Things really are looking up :) I know I panic too soon sometimes, if I loose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel for even a little bit... but each time, I realize, that I can't lose myself. I can't be overwhelmed by fear or despair, because it's only temporary. And each time, I get a little bit stronger, a little more rational, and can say, "It seems rough right now, but it's not forever, and things will get better."

Something I'd Never Imagined...

You know how sometimes, life just seems REALLY shitty? Like life is moving forward, but you're not, because you're stuck? That's what things feel like right now. I am literally broke, not getting enough hours at work, am ALWAYS the first one sent home if we're slow (because I have way less experience than anyone else working there), I've been hosting recently, a measly $7.26 an hour (compare to a usual minimum of $15 an hour when I'm serving), and, to rub salt in the wounds, Mike's sister, THREE years younger than US, is moving out.

Monday was really bad. I was in a deep depression; it reminded me of the days before I met Mike, when I was all alone, up in Boulder. Those feelings are something I'd never wanted to experience again- and perhaps what I was feeling on Monday wasn't quite as severe, but the despair and hopelessness was there. It's literally like those commercials for depression medication, where the people say that it physically limits you, because it does. I was just obsessing, over and over, about how much of a loser I must be, to be less than 2 months away from my 24th birthday, broke, still in school, and living at home. By my age, my parents had been married for 2 years, were 7 months pregnant with me, and were driving a U-haul out to California.

It was to the point where I felt the urge to do that self-harm bullshit I did when I was a teenager. To anyone who has never done it- listen. I realize there are stupid kids who do it for attention or whatever, but true self-harmers do it because it's like any coping mechanism: it numbs the pain. When you have a burn or a cut stinging, it distracts you somewhat from the emotional pain. However, I am in better control now, I know it wouldn't do anything but leave a stupid scar and I'd regret it once it stopped hurting.

Mike invited me to go to band practice that evening. I thought I should go; I hadn't been to one in forever (thanks to school), and what was I going to do otherwise? Stay in my room, alone, and continue to feel like a worthless piece of shit?

I'm so glad I went- THAT was a healthy choice of a coping mechanism.

I have had friends, even really, really good friends, throughout my life, but none quite like "my boys," as I call them. I met Chad and Robbie the night I met Mike; I can't remember when I met Aaron. I love these men, and their girls (whom I have known less than any of the guys).

See, I have always been a shy loner. I rarely played with other kids in elementary school. I was never popular; well known (and gossiped about) in high school perhaps because I was crazy smart (straight A's) and went from obese to underweight in about a year. I had friends throughout middle and high school, but only one true friend that I really trusted (Shoshana, if you're reading this, thank you so much; you kept me sane). I was never in a group of friends. I went to only two school dances the entire 4 years of high school. I figured that even if I could potentially trust a group of people to be friends with, why on earth would they want to hang out with me? I was boring; I did homework, obsessed about my weight, and played video games. That's about all.

Now, I have the most amazing friends I could ever dream of having. Not just because they're cool and talented, not just because they have the same interests as Mike and I- but it's the way they make me feel about myself. When we got to practice, they started excitedly telling me about a new song they were working on, and asked for my opinion. Really? My opinion is valued? Something as simple as that made me feel SO GOOD. And I know that they're always there for me- just as I am for them!

So despite the depression and shitty day, I was reminded that I have something that no amount of money can buy: amazing friends.



Chad, Frankie, Robbie, Krystal, Aaron, Jenny... I love you guys :) Thank you for standing by me :)

Growing Up is Hard Tooooo Doooo

Haha, I was thinking of that song "Breaking Up is Hard To Do!"

I wonder, does everyone feel this way when they come to that point in their life when they realize that they are going to truly begin their independent, adult life? Am I just a fraidy cat? I mean, the fear is NOT holding me back, whatsoever, but I can't help but be... well... a little nervous? I just want to know that I can manage- I'm not expecting things to be perfect, I'm not expecting to NOT make mistakes, but I also want to be smart and make as many good decisions as possible- because I've made some pretty dumb decisions and mistakes in the past.

I think what has me most nervous is my one attempt at being that "independent adult." That was a string of bad decisions, one after another. Following my ex up to Boulder... and everything that happened while I was there. Spending money recklessly. Isolating myself. Pursuing the guy who, deep down, I knew didn't want me back, yet falling for him leading me on anyways. Working nearly full time (24-32 hours a week) on top of going to school full time. Eating disorder behaviors, severe. Landing in the ICU and nearly losing my life- TWICE.

I made some really bad mistakes, but I understand now that they happened for a reason. It was a learning experience, for one. Believe me, I learned a lot from that 5 month mess. Also- it brought me to Mike. Not only brought me to him, but, since I'd seen the opposite end of the spectrum in my ex (everything, minus abuse, opposite of what a wonderful boyfriend should be) I could appreciate Mike so much more.

And that's the other thing I have going for me- not only am I more mature, older, and have more experience now- but I have Mike too.

And that brings me to something else- where we stand. I realize that I compare my life WAY too much to others around me, but I've gotta write this out for myself, if anyone, to put things in perspective.

More and more, I've gotten frustrated and upset (and... jealous) when I hear that friends or family members are engaged- namely because every single couple has been together for a way less amount of time than Mike and I have. I've mentioned before, we're almost at our 4 year anniversary. In fact, we are exactly 2 months away from it. So, in my mind, when I hear about friends who are engaged, I'm happy for them but I'm also thinking Not fair! We've put so much more time and effort into our relationship, and we haven't even lived together yet!

I finally confronted Mike about it last week, because he knows it's been upsetting me... and what he told me made so much sense and made me respect him that much more. He said that it isn't that he doesn't want to marry me one day, not at all- it's that certain things need to happen before we get engaged. For one, living together first. I know that that is totally taboo for some people, but I really don't care- we both believe that we need to work out initial kinks of living together- because if we can't live with each other, we have no business getting married. The other is getting ourselves established- and he doesn't mean saving a ton of money or even being in a set career- just making sure that we're not two broke college students, making minimum wage, living at home, ect.

So, in other words- Mike has his feelings and urges better in check, and wants to be responsible ;)

Needless to say, this whole "growing up" thing has been a major topic of discussion between us, now that Mike has graduated- because it's time. It's just nerve wracking. By my age, my parents were married, 7 months pregnant with me, and driving a U-haul out to northern California! So I keep telling myself that I should be ready to do this, if my parents can do it with a baby on the way and very little help from their families, why can't I do it, with all of my benefits?

WAIT. I can do this! I know I can. I know WE can do this.

My jumbled mind compares, thinks of all of the things that could go wrong, thinks of mistakes in my past, is fearful of "what-ifs" and "can I handle it?" BUT- I look forward, and see that light at the end of this tunnel, so close... and I know, this time, it's within reach.

He Graduated!!

My darling is a college graduate! Wow! I guess that puts things into perspective when considering that we've been together nearly 4 years (we're 2 months and 2 days away from that anniversary!). It's so... surreal. In some ways, it feels like we just met, like he had just finished his freshman year in college and was complaining about having another 3-4 years to go... and yet, in others, it's like we've always been together. I suppose it's because, I just can't imagine life without him.

So, I have a funny story. Well, not funny- actually I'm still extremely frustrated- but it at least shows just how precious certain moments are.

I was one of the videographers/photographs for graduation this year. My authorization zone for the video camera was on a low balcony immediately to the left of the stage- perfect for filming the graduates as they exit the stage with their diplomas. The master level students were finishing up, and I noticed the video camera flashing a message; I only had five minutes left on that tape, so I had to go get another. Wanting to miss as little as possible, I ran up the stairs, down another flight into the corridor, and around to the back floor entrance where Char, the other (and better) videographer was to get more tape. As I'm running back down the corridor as fast as I can, I thought I heard Mike's name announced... but I thought to myself, no, no way, there's no way that can be him, they're graduating the school of business students now, not humanities and social sciences! I misheard the name. Yet when I got back to my spot, my parents were looking at me, and they said, "You just missed Mike graduate."

I freaked out! It took a bit to compose myself- the one person I wanted to see out of 700+ graduating, the 10 seconds I wanted to view with my own eyes out of a 2.5 hour ceremony, and I missed it. To make a long story shot: four business students were off screwing around when they should have been seated; when they did make their way to their seats, not knowing where they should sit, they sat in seats for humanities/social sciences... so, for the last four of the h/ss school graduates, there was no seats, so the usher sat them up front, with the school of business students! I'm pretty unhappy about it; I already started an email to the event coordinator. I know it won't get those 10 or 15 seconds back, but in the future, maybe someone else won't miss their loved one graduating because of people messing around and poor control.

However, the rest of the day was really fun! A huge group of us went out for a celebration lunch to one of (note- I say, *one* of) Mike's favorite pizza places. After that, we went back to his house for cake and coffee. Then he and I just relaxed, and watched his new TV! (I got him an eco-friendly, razor 1080p HD TV for his graduation present, and my parents got him an HD sound system).

Blue Moon!!

Mmm... pizza... with green chilis!

He had to have German chocolate ;)

The Grad and The Mamacitas!

After relaxing for awhile, we went over to our friend Aaron and Jenny's house, where they BBQ'd and ordered the Mayweather/Mosley boxing match. So, overall, it was an awesome day... and another step forward ;)