Yup, Sure Did

I was right- about the rock bottom thing...

Damn it.

Actually, though, I feel so much better now. Because I am going to get things under control- and I have a lot of support to do it now. My parents, Mike, our friends, everyone at AA...

I really am going to fix this.

It no longer seems impossible; in fact, I know it's possible. It's going to be extremely tough- I shudder even thinking about it. But it will be worth it. I may have bad anxiety and seem sensitive on the surface, but underneath I have diamond strength. I've made it this far in life- a feat in itself. I'm suppose to be here- I have a purpose: it's to live. I haven't been living, I've been surviving. I wasn't put here to just survive- it's an insult to my parents, the Force, and myself. (The Force is my "god"... um, more about that later). I feel like I have been stumbling around blind, and now I can finally see. Is this my burning bush moment? I don't really know. I just feel so relieved... like I can breathe now. Like I can be happy. Like... I can be me. And I don't have to be afraid. Wow.

Hearing people at their most raw level does something to you. It's really opened my eyes. I know I'm not the only one, but I have felt so alone that it was hard to believe there are others who know how it feels. It fucking sucks in every way possible- it's pure insanity. Hell on Earth, except it's dark. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in hell; even better to know that I can get the fuck out of there too, with some hard work, dedication, and faith. Oh, and of course support. A lot of support. Some things are too hard to do alone, and aren't meant to be done solo. This is one of those things.

Gosh, I didn't know hitting rock bottom would make me feel better. In every way possible, it has. I don't have to lie, hide, and feel like a lousy piece of shit anymore. I'm not saying I won't slip up, but the worst is over. The storm has passed; it left me cold and wet, but the sun's on me now.

Well, I need to settle in now... it has been one hell of a day, and I'm exhausted. Plus, I gotta get ready to face the world tomorrow :)

Ouch.

I think I just hit rock bottom.

It

HURTS.

A lot.

Into the Abyss

Plunged into water

Pulled down into the depths

Green becomes black

and I

can't catch my breath

There is nothing but pressure

No air

No light

I am being sucked

Into the Abyss

Um, wow. It's not great, but I just accidentally wrote a poem- I was trying to express how I feel right now.

No job. Failing school. Lying. Useless. Pathetic. Undeserving.

What do I do?

Mike is so amazing, so wonderful, so beautiful and talented and funny and sweet... he has such a big heart. When I am alone, particularly, when I am alone without him, I sink into the abyss. The panic starts in my chest... my two hearts. I can't breath. I clutch my chest. I can't feel my legs. I don't want to be aware. I let the numbness overtake me. I don't want to fight it, because I don't have the strength to fight it.

...what IS it?

I don't know! I don't KNOW.

My only conclusion is fear... because that's what I feel. Fear. And I become numb so I don't have to feel it. I become numb, whether purely organic (within myself) or assisted... and I hate it. People are suppose to have emotions. Normal people deal with the emotions they have. I don't. I become numb. I get pulled into the abyss, and I don't emerge until forced, or until it seems "safe"...

...which my definition of safe is probably far, far off.

Paralyzed...

...by fear.

By constant, never-ending, suffocating fear.

Fear of what exactly? Sometimes it's so overwhelming, I can't pinpoint anything other than fear. When I start to think about it, I realize it's fear of everything, rational and irrational. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of being a disappointment. Fear of losing control. Fear of not being pretty, thin, smart, talented, funny, interesting, or good enough. Fear of not being enough. Fear of any danger, physical or emotional, of any pain, to the ones I love. Fear of people and crowds; fear of being alone. Fear of becoming too attached; fear of losing those I've become too attached to. Fear of abandonment. Fear that there will never be anything more than fear.

I look at this list, and think about how crazy it must sound to an outsider. To a normal person, who doesn't live, who hasn't lived, a life of crushing anxiety. I know it has to look insane; it looks insane even to me trying to look at it from that perspective. And it doesn't matter. See it as though I might, it doesn't make me think, "You're being ridiculous, man up and deal with this shit."

When I absolutely do not have a choice but to face fear or a far worse consequence, I become so numb that things don't seem real. I drift about in a dream like state, not really absorbing anything to its fullest degree. This often happens at work, as it did the other day; I arrived plenty early, which was good. It took every ounce of courage to force myself out of the car. I probably sat in it for a good 5-10 minutes, paralyzed. Once the fear peaked, I was left unfeeling. I dared to go check the clock, thinking I must still have at least another hour until my shift was over... to find I'd actually worked an hour overtime.

I don't want to be like this. But how do I get out of it? How do I try to stop these fears? Why has my world continued to shrink and shrink, to the point where I often feel like I'm not truly here, just watching life go on around me, an ice statue?

How did I let myself get this bad?