The summer that should have been wasn't.
I thought starting a new job and moving in with Mike would make for an amazing summer. It didn't.
Don't get me wrong- moving in with Mike (the official date was August 10th) has been a dream come true. I love living with my best friend, my other half, my knight in shining armor. I love falling asleep next to him, I love waking up in the middle of the night and realizing he's there for me to cuddle with, and I that I can feel his warmth next to me before I open my eyes the next morning.
However, I thought my relationship with my parents would get better... but it hasn't. It hasn't necessarily gotten worse per say, but... I feel like they babied and over-protected me all of my life, then the day I move out, it's like, "see ya later, go be an adult now." I can understand their frustration with me, but this abrupt 180 has left me feeling abandoned. My mother, once so close to me, doesn't seem to have more than 5 minutes to spare with me... on the phone. On a Saturday.
Starting my new job nearly lead to a nervous breakdown and me quitting; how does someone with such severe panic anxiety work in retail?! However, my managers/coworkers have been understanding and try to mostly place me doing tasks instead of interacting with customers. Still, I get nervous. I'm terrified of people.
And let's take all of the medical problems. Since the beginning of August, I have had a kidney infection with sepsis, 3 urinary track infections, a cold, been stung by a yellowjacket, and somehow developed radial nerve palsy in my right (dominant!) arm... leaving me paralyzed/disabled. Oh yeah, did I mention all of this involved 2 emergency room visits, over 10 visits with my Dr. and a neurologist, and 8 medications? Yup.
The radial nerve damage will and is healing, and I should make a full recovery, but the disability and pain have made my life hell.
So, needless to say, my time MIA wasn't pleasant. And after all of that, I have shrunken my world to the point where I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to be around people. I have panic attacks on a regular basis. I can't sleep. Sometimes I become so paralyzed with anxiety I can't function. Sometimes I become so frustrated I cry until I can't anymore.
When Mike walks out the door to practice or poker night, I want to throw my arms around him and cry and beg him not to leave me. I want to, but I don't. He doesn't understand the overwhelming panic and fear I experience while he's gone. Part of me doesn't want him to; I want him to go, I want him to be happy and play music or poker without feeling guilty about me. So I don't beg him to stay... and I settle in for a night of personal horror. I'm willing to, for his happiness... but I shouldn't have to suffer while he's gone. So, after this past week, where I believe I experienced a 3 day nervous breakdown... I called my therapist for the first time in a long time.
We met today and discussed a lot of what I've talked about above. She believes I have agoraphobia, not just panic disorder. I've been dealing with it in a very dangerous way- drinking. I can't do that anymore, I'm terrified of what it will do to my body... it may kill me, and I know it. So I'm begging for her help, before it's too late, before I reach rehab or worse, the ER again. I see my psych on Monday, and we'll go from there.
She wanted me to think of a goal, something strong enough to help me (and her, and whoever can help) pull me out of this. I know what that goal is. I want to be a mom. Not just a mom to any baby, but I want to be a mom that is a mother to half me, half Mike. I know this is going to sound cheesy as ALL hell, and ask forgiveness ahead of time, but to anyone who has read the Twilight series (the movies don't count, they aren't as in-depth) I feel exactly the way about Mike as Bella does Edward. Me, nothing special, no specific/outstanding talents, shy, a loner, and lame... next to someone incredible, beautiful, unbelievable, talented in ways I couldn't dream of, awed by many.
All in all, I want my life to be what it should be right now- two young adults madly in love starting their lives together... minus all of the horrible issues the girl has.
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