Surreal

I wish I were better at updating my blog :( It's not that I forget that I have one... I actually think about it pretty darn often. It's just... over the past few months, I don't feel like I've had anything great to report. My blog isn't sunshine, as I have used it to complain and speculate, and it's been a good thing... but my life isn't totally miserable, so I don't want it to seem that way, either.

The past few months have been... difficult. Not so much because of the alcohol- in fact, for the most part, staying away from alcohol is cake. I'm not at the point where I can go to bars very often (which is often where Mike plays), but other than an occasional crave for a good margarita or a rum & coke, I've had a surprisingly easy time for the past couple of months. This further confirms my theory: that I'm not a true alcoholic, but the alcohol abuse was merely a symptom of the true problem, which is my anxiety disorder. Which, my anxiety disorder is part of what makes things so difficult. Add the fact that I have not been able to find a job (which is changing here soon, hopefully!)... I haven't been able to afford regular therapy. It has also meant a lot of stressing over finances :(

Essentially, I feel like I have been in a very sensitive spot- I'm not doing horrible, my life itself isn't miserable... but I constantly feel vulnerable and afraid, and rarely feel relaxed. I'm always worrying, usually about money and the future, but often little things too. Some days I am super emotional, where minor issues can leave me in tears or fuming. Most public places are pretty hard for me to go to alone; many days I get nervous just going to school. I worry constantly about what other people (those in my life, not strangers) think of me- I wonder if they see the trainwreck I sometimes feel like. I have panic attacks fairly regularly; usually, they aren't too extreme (not as extreme as some I've had), but no matter how many I have, and despite the fact that I have gotten better at slowing them down after they've started, I don't think I'll ever be totally use to them.

On the flip side... I love living with Mike. It seems like I just keep falling more and more in love with him! I don't know how that's possible, but it happens :) I am so, SO blessed to have him in my life and to be loved by him. Now that I am out of my parents' house, my relationship with them has improved greatly! It wasn't ever bad, but during the past few months leading up to Mike and I moving in together, things were a little rough; it was understandable though. Their house just wasn't big enough for 3 adults (which we were on opposite schedules- they are early birds, I'm a night owl), 2 dogs and a cat. My relationship has also improved with my little "sisters"... my parents two dogs. I love them, but they drove me insane while I was living there... I like dogs, but wouldn't consider myself a "dog person."

I'm graduating from college in a few weeks. Well... kind of. I have 1 credit to complete over the summer, but since everyone, regardless of the ceremony or official graduation time, gets their diploma at the end of the summer anyways... I'm pretty much graduating. I'm not doing the ceremony thing; my high school one was bad enough, and I'm so over it :/ While I just want to be done... it seems surreal. How am I suppose to feel, when I've essentially been in school for 5/6 of my life... the 5/6 of my life that I remember the most of! It doesn't seem real. I will actually, officially be a college graduate.

I've been looking forward to this since I started college... it's been a crazy 7 years.

What happens next?