By constant, never-ending, suffocating fear.
Fear of what exactly? Sometimes it's so overwhelming, I can't pinpoint anything other than fear. When I start to think about it, I realize it's fear of everything, rational and irrational. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of being a disappointment. Fear of losing control. Fear of not being pretty, thin, smart, talented, funny, interesting, or good enough. Fear of not being enough. Fear of any danger, physical or emotional, of any pain, to the ones I love. Fear of people and crowds; fear of being alone. Fear of becoming too attached; fear of losing those I've become too attached to. Fear of abandonment. Fear that there will never be anything more than fear.
I look at this list, and think about how crazy it must sound to an outsider. To a normal person, who doesn't live, who hasn't lived, a life of crushing anxiety. I know it has to look insane; it looks insane even to me trying to look at it from that perspective. And it doesn't matter. See it as though I might, it doesn't make me think, "You're being ridiculous, man up and deal with this shit."
When I absolutely do not have a choice but to face fear or a far worse consequence, I become so numb that things don't seem real. I drift about in a dream like state, not really absorbing anything to its fullest degree. This often happens at work, as it did the other day; I arrived plenty early, which was good. It took every ounce of courage to force myself out of the car. I probably sat in it for a good 5-10 minutes, paralyzed. Once the fear peaked, I was left unfeeling. I dared to go check the clock, thinking I must still have at least another hour until my shift was over... to find I'd actually worked an hour overtime.
I don't want to be like this. But how do I get out of it? How do I try to stop these fears? Why has my world continued to shrink and shrink, to the point where I often feel like I'm not truly here, just watching life go on around me, an ice statue?
How did I let myself get this bad?
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