Into the Abyss

Plunged into water

Pulled down into the depths

Green becomes black

and I

can't catch my breath

There is nothing but pressure

No air

No light

I am being sucked

Into the Abyss

Um, wow. It's not great, but I just accidentally wrote a poem- I was trying to express how I feel right now.

No job. Failing school. Lying. Useless. Pathetic. Undeserving.

What do I do?

Mike is so amazing, so wonderful, so beautiful and talented and funny and sweet... he has such a big heart. When I am alone, particularly, when I am alone without him, I sink into the abyss. The panic starts in my chest... my two hearts. I can't breath. I clutch my chest. I can't feel my legs. I don't want to be aware. I let the numbness overtake me. I don't want to fight it, because I don't have the strength to fight it.

...what IS it?

I don't know! I don't KNOW.

My only conclusion is fear... because that's what I feel. Fear. And I become numb so I don't have to feel it. I become numb, whether purely organic (within myself) or assisted... and I hate it. People are suppose to have emotions. Normal people deal with the emotions they have. I don't. I become numb. I get pulled into the abyss, and I don't emerge until forced, or until it seems "safe"...

...which my definition of safe is probably far, far off.