I wonder, does everyone feel this way when they come to that point in their life when they realize that they are going to truly begin their independent, adult life? Am I just a fraidy cat? I mean, the fear is NOT holding me back, whatsoever, but I can't help but be... well... a little nervous? I just want to know that I can manage- I'm not expecting things to be perfect, I'm not expecting to NOT make mistakes, but I also want to be smart and make as many good decisions as possible- because I've made some pretty dumb decisions and mistakes in the past.
I think what has me most nervous is my one attempt at being that "independent adult." That was a string of bad decisions, one after another. Following my ex up to Boulder... and everything that happened while I was there. Spending money recklessly. Isolating myself. Pursuing the guy who, deep down, I knew didn't want me back, yet falling for him leading me on anyways. Working nearly full time (24-32 hours a week) on top of going to school full time. Eating disorder behaviors, severe. Landing in the ICU and nearly losing my life- TWICE.
I made some really bad mistakes, but I understand now that they happened for a reason. It was a learning experience, for one. Believe me, I learned a lot from that 5 month mess. Also- it brought me to Mike. Not only brought me to him, but, since I'd seen the opposite end of the spectrum in my ex (everything, minus abuse, opposite of what a wonderful boyfriend should be) I could appreciate Mike so much more.
And that's the other thing I have going for me- not only am I more mature, older, and have more experience now- but I have Mike too.
And that brings me to something else- where we stand. I realize that I compare my life WAY too much to others around me, but I've gotta write this out for myself, if anyone, to put things in perspective.
More and more, I've gotten frustrated and upset (and... jealous) when I hear that friends or family members are engaged- namely because every single couple has been together for a way less amount of time than Mike and I have. I've mentioned before, we're almost at our 4 year anniversary. In fact, we are exactly 2 months away from it. So, in my mind, when I hear about friends who are engaged, I'm happy for them but I'm also thinking Not fair! We've put so much more time and effort into our relationship, and we haven't even lived together yet!
I finally confronted Mike about it last week, because he knows it's been upsetting me... and what he told me made so much sense and made me respect him that much more. He said that it isn't that he doesn't want to marry me one day, not at all- it's that certain things need to happen before we get engaged. For one, living together first. I know that that is totally taboo for some people, but I really don't care- we both believe that we need to work out initial kinks of living together- because if we can't live with each other, we have no business getting married. The other is getting ourselves established- and he doesn't mean saving a ton of money or even being in a set career- just making sure that we're not two broke college students, making minimum wage, living at home, ect.
So, in other words- Mike has his feelings and urges better in check, and wants to be responsible ;)
Needless to say, this whole "growing up" thing has been a major topic of discussion between us, now that Mike has graduated- because it's time. It's just nerve wracking. By my age, my parents were married, 7 months pregnant with me, and driving a U-haul out to northern California! So I keep telling myself that I should be ready to do this, if my parents can do it with a baby on the way and very little help from their families, why can't I do it, with all of my benefits?
WAIT. I can do this! I know I can. I know WE can do this.
My jumbled mind compares, thinks of all of the things that could go wrong, thinks of mistakes in my past, is fearful of "what-ifs" and "can I handle it?" BUT- I look forward, and see that light at the end of this tunnel, so close... and I know, this time, it's within reach.
No comments:
Post a Comment