The Limit As I Approach Zero: Something I'd Never Imagined...

You know how sometimes, life just seems REALLY shitty? Like life is moving forward, but you're not, because you're stuck? That's what things feel like right now. I am literally broke, not getting enough hours at work, am ALWAYS the first one sent home if we're slow (because I have way less experience than anyone else working there), I've been hosting recently, a measly $7.26 an hour (compare to a usual minimum of $15 an hour when I'm serving), and, to rub salt in the wounds, Mike's sister, THREE years younger than US, is moving out.

Monday was really bad. I was in a deep depression; it reminded me of the days before I met Mike, when I was all alone, up in Boulder. Those feelings are something I'd never wanted to experience again- and perhaps what I was feeling on Monday wasn't quite as severe, but the despair and hopelessness was there. It's literally like those commercials for depression medication, where the people say that it physically limits you, because it does. I was just obsessing, over and over, about how much of a loser I must be, to be less than 2 months away from my 24th birthday, broke, still in school, and living at home. By my age, my parents had been married for 2 years, were 7 months pregnant with me, and were driving a U-haul out to California.

It was to the point where I felt the urge to do that self-harm bullshit I did when I was a teenager. To anyone who has never done it- listen. I realize there are stupid kids who do it for attention or whatever, but true self-harmers do it because it's like any coping mechanism: it numbs the pain. When you have a burn or a cut stinging, it distracts you somewhat from the emotional pain. However, I am in better control now, I know it wouldn't do anything but leave a stupid scar and I'd regret it once it stopped hurting.

Mike invited me to go to band practice that evening. I thought I should go; I hadn't been to one in forever (thanks to school), and what was I going to do otherwise? Stay in my room, alone, and continue to feel like a worthless piece of shit?

I'm so glad I went- THAT was a healthy choice of a coping mechanism.

I have had friends, even really, really good friends, throughout my life, but none quite like "my boys," as I call them. I met Chad and Robbie the night I met Mike; I can't remember when I met Aaron. I love these men, and their girls (whom I have known less than any of the guys).

See, I have always been a shy loner. I rarely played with other kids in elementary school. I was never popular; well known (and gossiped about) in high school perhaps because I was crazy smart (straight A's) and went from obese to underweight in about a year. I had friends throughout middle and high school, but only one true friend that I really trusted (Shoshana, if you're reading this, thank you so much; you kept me sane). I was never in a group of friends. I went to only two school dances the entire 4 years of high school. I figured that even if I could potentially trust a group of people to be friends with, why on earth would they want to hang out with me? I was boring; I did homework, obsessed about my weight, and played video games. That's about all.

Now, I have the most amazing friends I could ever dream of having. Not just because they're cool and talented, not just because they have the same interests as Mike and I- but it's the way they make me feel about myself. When we got to practice, they started excitedly telling me about a new song they were working on, and asked for my opinion. Really? My opinion is valued? Something as simple as that made me feel SO GOOD. And I know that they're always there for me- just as I am for them!

So despite the depression and shitty day, I was reminded that I have something that no amount of money can buy: amazing friends.